sometimes, life isn't fair

Today, my grandparents would have celebrated 50 years of marriage. Grandad passed away the last summer, right before their 49th anniversary.

He was so close to this amazing milestone, why couldn't he have just held on? Sometimes, life isn't fair.

But look at what he saw in those 48 years of being married to Grandma...

He saw the birth of his three children. My dad, Aunt Sherri, and Uncle Dan are such amazing people and reflect Grandma and Grandad so much. Their joy was contagious so naturally, their three children have it too.

He saw his three kids get married. My mom, Uncle Matt, and Aunt Jen were welcomed into the Baxter family with open arms. Grandma and Grandad's three kids turned into six. That joy and love that the five original Baxters has spread to eight people now. And it keeps on spreading...

He saw the births of his grandchildren. All nine of us. David, me, Erica, Jessica, Mark, Ian, Meagan, Ben, and Harrison. I don't know if they all realize how incredibly fortunate we are to part of this family. Grandad's laugh was contagious. His love for helping people inspired us. His knowledge of all things good is running in all our veins.

Not only did he see the births, he saw us grow up. He saw David, me, and Erica graduate high school and start our lives. He saw dances and plays and gymnastic competitions. He saw confirmations and baptisms and scout events. He saw the love that our parents learned from him and taught us.

The only thing I wish he could have seen is Harper. That little girl has his belly laugh and his smile. He would have thought the world of her.

Yup, sometimes, life isn't fair.

things i learned today

• being away from work doesn't mean you're forgotten
• your munchkins will always run back to your arms where they fit perfectly
• cds get scratched when they ride on the floor of your car
• yelling REEEEMIX when a song skips with a stranger in your car isn't always the best idea
• a smile goes a long way
• don't start to tell a story when the people have no idea who you're talking about
• it's even worse when you laugh and can't finish the story
• bodo's is still the best place for bagels
• the 2000's had some pretty great songs
• snuggling with harper can fix the problems of the world

one of the most difficult things...

...is trying to prepare yourself for the unknown. obviously, it's not known because nobody has been there. nobody has done whatever you're about to do.

in my case, i'm still trying to figure out whether everything i'm doing in life is right for me. one day, it'll be fabulous, the next, life smacks me back a few steps and makes me try again. it's so hard when you try and try to make everything perfect and then it all gets knocked away-like nothing was done in the first place.

i've changed my mind about this project that i'm doing four times. i have to give my teacher the proposal at 12 today. i missed class this morning to try and desperately fix it for the last time but all that did was make me realize i don't want to do it that way anymore.

how can you be so certain that your degree is going to be everything you want it to be? my project has to reflect what i'm going to be doing with my degree and my life. if i knew that, i wouldn't be so stressed. i change my mind about my life plan everyday. how will i know if i'll love working at a college or a hospital until i actually try. all this project is doing is making me realize that i probably don't want to do what i was so excited about.

thanks, sem. i owe you one. =/

hello, world.

i know i've been gone for a long time. i don't have a good excuse...just that life gets in the way of my dream of being a blogger all the time. i guess that's the trouble of having a goal like that.

i'll play catch up for those who have missed me.

i went home for the summer. i know, i shouldn't have. honestly, i understand that now that i'm playing catch up again with school. but i can't stand being away from my family for too long.

this summer was spent with lots of little ones. harper jade is one of the funniest, cutest, happiest babies i've ever been around. when she's unhappy, it doesn't last long. over the summer, i got to see her learn her voice, expressions, how to laugh, how to sit up, how to scoot across the floor, and how to almost stand up. when i got back to school, i got a lovely text with a picture of her standing next to the table playing with the remote. i can't believe it. she turned six months last wednesday and she's already going on sixteen.

my other little ones were ben and natalie. i loved, loved, loved having them this summer. natty and i had a big bond as the summer came to an end and i hated to leave those two. plus, christy and travis are two of the nicest people in the entire world. i'm so blessed they let me into their lives and got to take care of their kiddos. the day before i left, christy took me out to lunch and gave me pictures of the kids. they're hanging above my desk.

then, of course, i had my work babies and megan's kiddos. i enjoyed spending time with samantha, clayton, mason, and camdon the most. i've seen sam grow up since she was nine months old and helped welcome clayton, mason, and camdon into the world. i have a picture with those kids hanging above my desk too. it's unreal that they're growing up so fast. sam started fifth grade this year. ten years seems like it's flown by in a blink of an eye. sigh.

on top of work, which is what i did mostly, i played at the beach, visited with family, celebrated my grandparent's fiftieth wedding anniversary, and hung out with alex a lot.

now that i'm back at school, i'm back into the routine of balancing classes, study time, meetings, office hours, friend time, and me time. i'm still color coding my day planner. i'm still obsessed with office supplies. i still drink too much coffee. i guess after being away for a summer, it's nice to come back to something i know so well.

sleepy but can't sleep rant

seems to be a theme with me these day. after a the past few ones consisting of me feeling like i was going to throw up everywhere, my stomach finally settled down long enough for me to visit my best friend, chase, up in winchester. (chase in winchester?! i know...)

while i do love that boy and would do almost anything for him, riding on the back of a four wheeler and being scared because he's driving through mud puddles (while splashing my toms with mud. grr) and past people shooting guns scared me more than i think i lead him on. don't get me wrong, i'm down for shooting guns just like the next girl who was wearing heels and had on $110 earrings when she arrived (it was only me if you haven't picked up on my sarcasm...hence why i changed into my toms) and got the warning, "it's really muddy down there, lil pretty lady. make sure that boy treats you right or you ride yourself back up here and i'll take care of ya" after, of course, he started speaking to me in french, but that was a bit much. fabulous.

it was totally worth it, though, as is every adventure with chase. even the ten dollar margarita i had. (yes, it was ten dollars. no, i didn't know it was ten dollars.) it still doesn't seem real that i won't see him for another three months. womp. i might just have to take a weekend and go to wise to visit. three months is just too long in my book.

in other news, i've been working (praise the lord!) and momma's birthday is sunday! i'm so excited. it'll start her last year in her forties...(i know, momma's young) and will be an excellent celebration to such a lovely lady. aaand, next friday, i'm leaving for nacurh. i'm soo incredibly nervous about flying again but i'm sure it'll be just fine. (dad says 99% of people who die in plane crashes don't feel a thing. james likes to remind me of this.)

well, for now, i'm off to try and dream about playing with the nerf n-strike vulcan blaster chase and i saw and drooled over in toys r us tonight. (and here's hoping i have boys so i can buy this "for them" but only let mommy play with it.)

My Momma

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.

My mom is the most incredible person I've ever met. Honestly. She deserves so much more than this little blog entry but since I'm seven and a half hours away from her, this will have to do.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've been like my momma. The way we look, the way we act, everything we do is the same. I wouldn't change a damn thing about that either.

I remember the first time I answered the phone and someone thought it was my mom. I was in middle school, when it's not cool to like your mom. My grandma called and started talking to me about something before I stopped her to go get mom. "You sound just like your mom!" she said...wow. What a great thing for a 13 year old to hear-she's already turning into her mother. That's when people started calling me Little Kim. I didn't like it at first but now, I realize it was one of the best compliments I've ever received.

In high school, it became okay to hang out with your mom again (thank God, I never really stopped during middle school). Mom and I would go out to lunch and shopping, comparing styles, talking about anything and everything. That’s when I realized that not only am I turning into my mother, I’m already there…and I was so okay with it.

Being in college so far away from mom, it made me realize how much I miss her. I can’t just call down the hall and have her come in. If I fall, I have to help myself up. I’m 21 years old but I still call my momma when I have to make a life decision. I still call my momma after I have a rough day or if someone made me sad. Momma is the first to know about a great date I had. Momma is always the first to know everything.

I’m so lucky to not only be just like my momma but to also have her as a best friend. We laugh together, cry together, make mean faces together, don’t understand the problems of the world together. (And to think, she’s just like her amazing mother so I think I’m gonna end up just right.)

Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy. I know I tell you all the time how much I love you but I don’t tell you thank you enough. You are my rock, my inspiration, and the person that I’m so lucky to have become. You’ve made me everything I am today and for that, I am eternally thankful.

fsr fml

i just saw where fsr is going to be at the tavern may 13th and summit city may 14th. i go home may 10th.

fml.